Mr Moo

salaams

I am going into hibernation for a couple of weeks, to finish off the decorating so I can get my haircut (a tacit agreement with Mrs Moo made one contingent on the other). I also had a nasty bout of hand cramp the other day, which could be the onset of RSI - something I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy*. I may still be twittering, but it will be one-way traffic as I am intending to update by SMS text.

In the meantime, I am taking requests, if there is anything y’all would like me to cover, let me know in the comments.

See you in January. Salaams.

* I actually don’t have a worse enemy. In fact, don’t even have people who I consider ‘enemies’ let alone order them in hatefulness to bestow a ‘worst enemy’ tag to one of them….

Many thanks to all who voted for me at the Brass Crescent awards.  I ended up getting three honourable mentions in three categories, Best Blog, Best Post or series, and Best Humour Blog*. The inner Klingon in me is pleased.

Check out the winners here. I am especially pleased Tariq Nelson won the best blog, he is a most splendid blogger and I urge you to read his blog regularly.   I am also please Muslimah Media Watch got an honourable mention - they are a most splendid blog and the world should know this.

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* I have used British spellings because I am hard-wired to do so.  I urge the rest of the Anglosphere to follow likewise.

I was going to do a semi-serious piece on my father, but here is something a bit more fun.

Let us go back to the mid eighties, to Manchester, where my cousins are living in the Old Trafford area. As young boys, they fight, they play, they tease their wee ickle baby sisters, and they are good Gujarati Muslims in that the boys are all memorising the Qur’an at their fathers’ mosque.

So, we go to visit our cousins in Manchester, and oh how fun they are. We eat very spicy food, and we eat very sugary desserts and we laugh at their very funny jokes.

One day, we challenge Faisal, who is in his early teens, and his brother, a couple of years older, to an eating competition. What is the biggest mouthful of food you can eat?

Imran starts, he is elder after all. He puts in a quarter of a chapatti, doused in curry, and chews, swallows, result! Faisal, takes a third of a chapatti, rolls it up, dips it in the sauce, puts in his mouth, chews, and swallows. Hurrah!
Imran takes half a roti. We cannot believe it. Half a roti. These are Aunty Hajrah rotis, proper thick and full of ghee, not for shirkers. Imran manages it. How is Faisal going to beat this?

Faisal takes an entire roti and stuffs it in his mouth, without method. His cheeks puff out, he can’t even close his mouth and we have the unenviable sight of roti, hanging out. He can’t chew he cant swallow, his entire jaw is in fact wedged open with roti.

We are laughing so hard tears are falling, and Faisal starts to laugh to, except he can’t because he is full of roti. We just hear a ‘huurgh huurgh’ which makes us laugh even harder.

Ten minutes later, somehow, he has managed to swallow a bit of the roti, and he can now close his mouth, he slowly starts chewing. This has ceased to be a brotherly competition and is now about basic survival - if Faisal was to choke, he would be an ex-Faisal. We are laughing, and pointing and screaming and laughing at his bulging cheeks. Soon, he is eroding this poor roti, and after a good few minutes, he has swallowed more of it. His chewing gets exponentially faster and we get more excited, he could actually do it.

Finally, his frenzied chewing demolishes the chapatti, and he swallows the last bite! We cheer! Mashallah! Faisal has eaten the roti! Faisal has eaten the roti!

Of course, every so often I put half a roti in my mouth and get strange looks from my fellow diners, but they don’t know why. Some things need regular rituals to pay homage to their greatness.

Tags: Chapatti, Curry, Roti

What was thrown at Bush this afternoon at a press conference in Iraq?

1. Weapons of Mass Destruction
2. Mud
3. Shoes
4. Insults and Shoes
5. Oh I can’t be bothered, taking the pee out of Bush is like shooting fish in a barrel

What was George Bush’s reaction?

1. Satisfaction at finding the WMDs at last
2. This mud will stain me
3. To dextrously dodge the flying shoes
4. “One doesn’t know a man unless he has seen his shoes come flying towards oneself”
5. Do you know, it is actually rather a strange expression “shooting fish in a barrel”… where does it come from?

What was the shouted, and what was Georges’ response

1. “Here are the WMD’s”, “About time too”
2. “You are a dirty man”, “I am now”
3. “Shoo!”,”aarfgh, Hush Puppies”
4. “This is a message from the Iraqi people, you dog”,”I can report a size 10″
5. I mean, if you actually got the first shot in, depending on the type of gun, barrel and angle of first shot, you would most likely pierce the barrel, and the fish would suffocate.

Today it is the third day of Eid - it is meant to be Three Days as far as I know.  No doubt many of you have consumed meat in various quantities and styles, with curried, biryani and kebabs featuring prominently.  (Part of my feels we sometimes eat like its Eid everyday)

My most memorable Eid-ul-Adha was when I was around nine, and the younger children and my mother were on our legendary Grand Tour of The East Coast of the USA.

In the middle of our tour, it happened to be Eid-ul-Adha, but this had already been factored in.  We were staying at a large house in the outskirts of a small town in Maryland.  The end of the garden had many trees, and we could not see the next house.  When living in an inner-city redbrick terrace in Leicester, this was a new experience for us.

Our uncles had arranged for two goats to be tethered at the end of the garden, and had dug a deep hole near them.  We were encouraged in the weeks preceding Eid to feed these two little cute goats.  We named them Ateeq and Irfan, the masculine versions of Aatika and Erfana, my younger sisters.  We all loved little Ateeq and Irfan, the cutey little goats at the end of the big garden.

So on the day of Eid, we dressed up, went to the local mosque to pray, then came home and did general Eid stuff, which, when one is aged nine, involves mainly eating and accepting gifts of one sort or another.  During the morning, we went to the garden, where we saw the uncles quite happily putting rubber aprons on and sharpening knives.  We were fed, and full of money, so we didn’t care: everything was fun.

The uncles went about the business of slaughtering the goats, and the blood, hygienically, went into the pit (ohhhh that’s what it was for!) whilst another uncle quite happily used his new-fangled video camera (VHS not betamax).

The afternoon was spent with the Aunties cooking, and us children playing.  We didn’t notice Irfan and Ateeq were not about, as our pockets were still heavy with money. * It was only until the evening time that we were told that Ateeq and Irfan had been killed.  We were told this just before the food - goat curry.

While we were eating, one of the uncles put the video on of the actual slaughter.  It was quite graphic, but we thought it was normal.

Me: “Oh who is being slaughtered”
Uncle: Ateeq,
Me: …Who are we eating?
Auntie (from the kitchen) - Irfan - Ateeq we have packed in the fridge**

The moral - if you are going to slaughter a goat and record the process on video, make sure children, haven’t bonded with the goats first.

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*(note to self, when giving money to baby-moo, I must start off with lots of heavy change as at that age, money is judged by weight)

** Its uncanny how Aunties can have superhuman hearing when it counts and be stone-deaf when they feel like it.  All the Aunties I know still have this skill.

Hitler wants a united Eid.
This has been the most enjoyable ever to put together.

Seriously, some dude put his head in a particle accelerator and had part of his brain dissolve

With many folk away on Hajj, we celebrate with a few lolcats.

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The brass crescent award nominees have  been announced, and this blog has three nominations! Best blog, best humour blog, and best post or series!  Baby Moo would be so proud, if he could understand what a blog is, or what pride is, or what brass is, or what a crescent is.

Brasscrescent.org

My latest on the Guardian belief blog, on the yoga fatwa in Malaysia.

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Yoga going underground

When clerics issued an edict against the practice, Malaysians held their breath … then released it whilst counting to 10

Last week, the national council issued an edict stating Muslims in Malaysia should not practise yoga, as its Hindu origins might erode the Muslim faith. As news of the fatwa spread across the globe, the president of Malaysia intervened, saying there was no harm in yoga as long as any ritual chanting was avoided.

What was not reported, however, was the the activity that had taken place across Malaysia in reaction to the initial ruling. Here, for the first time, we can reveal what happened.

When news of the fatwa spread across the nation’s yoga classes, devotees were upset. Here was Malaysia, known for the balance it strikes between modernity and faith, challenging what was for many an everyday pastime. These practitioners realised that for yoga to survive in Malaysia, it would have to be protected. Overnight, yoga went underground.

Even the word yoga became taboo. Across community centres and living rooms, gymnasiums and sports halls, yoga classes were recast as more innocent sounding “ballet lessons”. Young people held secret yoga parties, in defiance of the authorties. Teens put loose-fitting sports gear under their tight-fitting sports gear, to be released once they had congregated at friends houses. Only then could they join the other young rebels of the world by wearing baggy clothing and posing in uncomfortable positions en-masse.

Facebook flashmob yoga gatherings took place outside government buildings. Elderly ladies and flexible Indian men, once seen as mildly eccentric, were suddenly hailed as heroes of the new mood of supple defiance, all due to their skill in yoga. The “saffron rebellion” with its controlled breathing and motionless protests, energised young and old alike, lowering blood pressure across the country.

But this anti-establishment mass-flexibility did not go down well with the authorities. Students associated with madrasas formed militias, with the intent of stopping these gatherings of yogic defiance. Door-to-door searches were conducted and videos of yogic instruction were seized. Yoga classes were broken up and children were encouraged to spy on their parents. Roadblocks were set up in the rural areas, and body searches were conducted to ensure joints remained unsupple. Secret guides were posted on Wikileaks to show how to feign stiffness and ill-health.

Malaysia’s reputation as a progressive modern Muslim state was put under severe strain. News of the rebellion reached the outside world, thanks to the power of sms texting and twittering. Expatriate secular Malaysians sent yoga mats disguised as prayer mats, and formed organisation such as “Practising Muslim Malaysians Supporting de-Hinduised Non-Religious Stretching, Breathing, Coordination and Suppleness Classes”. Madonna and Bono released a joint video message which consisted of 14 minutes of complete silence while serenely sitting in the lotus position. Fans and critics alike were delighted.

Meanwhile, back in Malaysia, in the main cities, ante-rooms were being built so people could enjoy yoga in secret. However, signs of strain were beginning to show in the fledgling movement. A split had occurred, with some wanting to follow a more traditional Hatha yoga path, while others preferred celebrity yoga videos on YouTube.

It came as a blessed relief when the ban was rescinded. The militia dispersed, yoga classes started again, and the world breathed a sigh of relief (albeit with more control). Malaysia could once more (at the correct angle) hold its head high on the world stage. Well, at least until the next fatwa came along.

Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGS) has once again dusted off its ‘Michael Jackson is a Muslim: Welcome to the Tent of Islam’ banner regarding Michael Jackson. MUGS has a special ‘we-heart-MJ’ shelf with banner, white glove and small monkey. The draft of the latest statement is below..

“Once again, we welcome Michael Jackson to the Tent of Islam. Brother Mikaeel, as henceforth we shall call him, has once again committed to being a Muslim.

Brother Mikaeel has teased us before, theologically. He fluttered his disproportionate eyelashes at Muslims back in 2003, when we heard rumours that he had converted to the Nation of Islam. But they are slightly scary so we dismissed that.

Then, brother Mikaeel flirted with us again (religiously speaking), and again, we fell for it. Back in 2006, we heard rumours and unfurled banners welcoming Brother Mikaeel to The Righteous Way. But alas, it was a short-lived fling, and by the morning he was gone.

Now it appears Brother Mikaeel may have committed. It is not confirmed, but that is no matter to MUGS like us. Technically we will call you a Muslim. Welcome to the Tent of Islam. It is better you are inside the Tent ‘Pir’ing out, than outside the Tent, peering in.”

MJ: Not a mickey mouse figure

BNP memberlist: http://www.bnpmemberslist.co.uk/

Wikileaks link: http://wikileaks.org/wiki/British_National_Party_membership_and_contacts_list,_2007-2008

These links have the full list.  There isn’t a single Muslim name on there. Further evidence of their Islamophobia.

For those who are unaware, these chaps are a far-right racist pary.  The BNP have run a vicious anti-Muslim campaign over the last 10 years or so, and continue to do so.

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Following the recent defeat of  Olympic medallist Amir Khan (the boxer, not the Bollywood Actor), Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGS) calls for a resurgence of young men from a Muslim background to step up and box our way out of the recession.

Spokes-parson Mullah Charles Balasubramaniamnarasimharao says “From Mohammed Ali, to Naseem Hameed, to Amir-Khan-the boxer-not-the-bollywood-actor, followers of the Religion of Peace have punched above their weight, so to speak.   But, support has not been universal.  The tabloid chronicling of the downfall of Prince Naseem in particular has been below the belt.  With the economy being the way it is, the gloves are off.

Now, we need a new round of youth, who will play to Shariah-compliant Marquess of Queensbury rules, to lead the economy forward.  We want to see a Britain where any young man can say ‘Yes, I can dress in nothing but Union-Jack shorts, and smack another man in the face till his eye bleeds, and that way will lie riches and glory’.

With fragmented leadership, competing authorities, accusations of violence, an elite that enjoys lavish riches whilst an underclass languishes in backwaters, the boxing industry and British Muslim communities have much in common.  We will not throw in the towel.  Our children are our future, and our collective prosperity lies in their nervously curled and clenched hands.”

Notes:

Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGS) launched a few years ago at the House of Lords, to much acclaim, mostly directed at our members being able to get though the security screening.  Since then, our project work, including our ‘Silent No More’ campaign, has spoken volumes.  Our website launches soon, as soon as Cousin Bilal comes back from Umrah…

Now that the election in the USA is over and some of us are still in the glow, while others are still not impressed, the question is posed:  What now for Muslims in the UK?

Of course, if we were sensible, we would look at the points made by Aaminah Hernandez in her blog post ‘Where do we go from here‘, and realise these points work for us here in the UK too.  However, we at mooslim.com like to offer more added value.  Here are some steps you can take.

• Hang out with Black People: you can’t just think post-racialist, you have to act post-racialist
• Convene a Press Conference and Talk About Dogs: As British Muslims, you will really flummox our enemies, wherever they are lurking.  Even those enemies that are in our minds will be flummoxed.
• Look Busy till January: If Obama is doing it, so should we.
• Talk about Tax Cuts: to be fair, the UK Liberal Democrats were the first to steal this idea, the others just stole it this week.
• Do the special ‘Obama Has Betrayed Us By Appointing Rahm Emanuel -When He Said He Was Pro-Israel We Thought He Was Just Saying It To Get In’ ritual. All the uptight Muslims are doing it.

1. Do a double take at the TV/Computer/newspaper/person who is relating the news
2. Cast whatever food or drink you are consuming to the ground.  If you do not have food or drink to hand, mime it.
3. Stamp your feet
4. Grab your hair*
   *Sisters, if you are in public, and have your head covered for whatever reason (it is your choice remember), then this part can be skipped, or, you can grab the hair of the nearest male mahram**
   ** By definition, mahrams are male.  Sorry for the tautology.
5. Sink to your knees and wail Noooooooooo

or, for bonus points, wail like a Klingon.  Just watch the first few seconds, after that, there is more Worf, which is creepy unless you are into Trek, in which case, isn’t it exciting about the new movie?

Video of Klingons wailing

On Sunday, it being Rememberance Sunday, there was an item on the news about the fallen of World War I.  A reporter was interviewing from somewhere in Belgium (I am sorry I can’t recall the exact details, baby-Moo was a little distracting).

I noticed above the interviewers head, in large letters,

ALLAH

wow, i thought.  This is not usual for the BBC, to have such a prominent placing of the Lords name above a presenter. It was there for a good few minutes.  then the camera pulled back, and I saw what it was

SEPOYS

ALLAH DITTA

It was a list of those who had fallen, and Allah Ditta was one of those who had not survived.  I told this to my wife, who said that Allah Ditta is a common name in Pakistan, often given to those who have been desiring a child for a while: the literal meanin is ‘Allah Gave Us’.  I have no idea who this Allah Ditta was.

Later, I saw a link on deenport about others who had fallen in the World Wars:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/southerncounties/content/image_galleries/muslim_soldiers_gallery.shtml?2

I was going to post this on Sunday, but part of me was thinking ‘why should we only care about something if Muslims, or Indians for that matter, were involved’ and I didn’t want this to come across as one of those sorts of posts.  Also at the weekend, a suicide bombing in Iraq, in a marketplace of all places.  I could use this space to list a litany of conflicts that are still running, and to list how many have been affected by war, but it would probably make me depressed. The world is still not a safe place.  It was meant, at the time, to be ‘Never Again’.

There is a quote about Sarah Palin not knowing who is in NAFTA (Everyone knows is Nepal, Afghanistan, Fetuccinia, Tiramasu and Azhar-bhaijaan).  There are also reports of her referring to Africa as one country.  Now, she doesn’t deny the quotes, she just says she was taken out of context.

Here is a hypothetical situation where it would be in context…

	“Now Sarah, Senator Biden may mention Darfur or the conflict in the Congo, or Libya.  Here is a crib sheet on conflicts in Africa, and soundbites for each one… shall we go through them
	“No, I can read this before I go to bed tonight. I notice you have put conflicts, disputes, humanitarian disasters but no mention of the environmental and economic factors that is contributing to rapid urbanisation…

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Jay-Z yesterday.

“Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could walk. Martin Luther King walked so Obama could run. Obama’s running so we all can fly.”

(topi tip to “Susu”)

America’s outcast Muslims
Guardian: Once Bush backers, Muslims today are staunch Democrats. But both Obama and McCain shun them.  Interesting article in the Guardian.

The accompanying video is also interesting, if only for the author of the article (in a mock fashion)  felt compelled to shout out in a room full of Muslims ‘I AM A JEW’.  Sometimes I feel compelled to do the same thing.  In fact, I urge you, reader, to go into a room full of Muslims and shout ‘I AM A JEW’.  We must end the hate.

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Press release:  the Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGS) calls for the rebranding of Halloween to  ‘Jinn Awareness Day’.  Many Muslim children are taking part in the time honoured ritual of demanding sweets in lieu of socially sanctioned petty vandalism.  However, these same Muslim children, along with their non-Muslim ghoulish friends, are unaware of Jinn.

MUGS spokes-parson Mullah Charles Balasubramaniamnarasimharao states ‘We grew up with Jinn stories, proper Jinn stories, not Disney genies or stories about Jinn and Tonics.   Jinn stories have been used the world over to traumatise children, and we feel it is only fair we share this with our non-Muslim friends and neighbours.’

Mullah Charles continues, ‘On a personal note, I still do not travel through graveyards at night in case an old lady jumps on my back and turns into goat.  I also urge residents in the UK to refrain from taunting men who appear to have exceptionally long fingers.’