Sssh! It’s the silent majority
There’s no way these poor Muslims can represent themselves, so others must speak up for them - and there are a lot who want to
My latest post is up on the Guardian commentisfree page.

Sssh! It’s the silent majority
There’s no way these poor Muslims can represent themselves, so others must speak up for them - and there are a lot who want to
My latest post is up on the Guardian commentisfree page.
I write about silly things. It is easier. It is less painful. It is because I am a middle class man with a huge dose of luck and the duas of good people. I could and have done a lot of things, but I choose on the whole to write about silly things.
I could have sharpened up my ideas, my vocabulary and references and become a serious academic. I could have researched and dugg and investigated and queried, and become a full journalist. I could have delved deep into my soul and become a poet or a prose writer whose imagination touched on the eternal human condition. But I have done none of these, and in my present condition am unlikely to.
There are some subjects though, that I have always been typing away at, not because of qadr, destiny, karma or habit, but because people I know have always told me about them. I remember typing up my fathers notes on his visit to the Holy Land, serialised in a magazine as “Subjugation Witnessed”. Here he described a gun being pointed at a child my age. I was so happy being on the computer that the meaning of these words did not register. Years later, when I saw a picture of a similair scene, my reaction was one of grim familiarity.
My first ever journalistic piece for Q-News was covering a conference on the Holy Land. It was here I heard the phrase “Right of Return”. I noticed that in each issue of a British Muslim magazine there was an article or feature about the Holy Land- it wasn’t about the Khilafah or supporting whichever person was in power, it was about the Holy in Holy Land. I remember a few months later looking at a different cover photo and being horrified at the image of bloodstains trickling down rubble.
This week, British campaigners took out full page adverts in the broadsheet newspapers highlighting what was really happening in the Holy Land. And today, people around the world told their own stories relating to the Holy Land. I was going to write about the Holy Land being like the baby in story of King Solomon, where two women both lay claim to it and Solomon proposes the baby be cut in two. I was going to write about the story of David and Goliath. But it is late. Tomorrow I will continue to write about silly things, but today, I wanted to write a little about writing about the Holy Land.
MinaretMuse has a post on someone called ‘Hussain Builder’ in Birmingham offering ‘Felshing for Information’ as a service.
http://minaretmuse.wordpress.com/2008/05/15/the-art-of-felshing-and-scating/
The recent spot of sunny weather has brought out the barbecues. The sight of unclejis wielding sacks of charcoal and lighting fluid will be spotted across the suburbs. Please folk, be safe, a cousin was injured severely in a barbecue accident.
Anyway, Mrs Moo (and some other people) sent this to me via email.
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We are finally coming to BBQ season.
Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand. Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off’ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!
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On a final note, some Halal organic non-stunned chicken was spotted in Leicester at the weekend - will update this post once more information is forthcoming
One of the benefits of growing up in central Leicester was the local park. Luckily, the mosque overlooked the park, though not enough for us parkdwelling children to be visible to the folk in the mosque. The fact that both were in the same direction from home meant that most children would end up in the park after mosque, or even during the times when they should have been in the mosque. One Saturday afternoon, we were playing seven stones with our characteristic viciousness, when we heard the adhan. It was a surprise.
You see, the chap who regularly recited the adhan had a very very distinctive style. Like most mosques, he was the designated muezzin. Anyone else doing the adhan just didn’t feel right However, we were used to hearing it in the mosque, but not in Spinney Hill Park. It was actually lovely. It also worked quite effectively, we dutifully herded ourselves into the mosque, which was not far. I don’t know if the Mosque on Berners Street still has the adhan on loudspeaker, but that first day we heard it was lovely.
There are frequent charges that Muslims want to have the adhan on loudspeaker in every mosque in the land. A few months back, a mosque in Oxford got into a spot of media bother when they looked into having the adhan on loudspeaker during the day. Â Some Christian clergy in Oxford supported the idea in principle, others denounced it.
In the end, it transpired there was no actual proposal, the mosque management had merely made enquiries about the amplified adhan. There may be a a compromise, sing from the minarets and roofs using the human voice alone.
During Mayday celebrations, the choir at Magdalen College sing from the rooftops in the early hours. Crowds gather to hear voices sing about the divine. Surely that tradition should not be the exclusive of one institution?
Extend this concept throughout the land, and it may be an elegant way of keeping in tune with all of our religious and social traditions. Without a doubt, Muslims were happy without electronic amplification for centuries - speakers are a bid’ah. The children at the top of Spinney Hill Park would still be able to hear the call to prayer, and the muezzins of Leicester and beyond surely have the lungs for it.
As the 60th anniversary of the creation of Israel is marked and commented on, I recall this article from 2002, I have pasted selectively below. Sadly, it still seems relevant to me, if only as a warning.
….I am not the first to notice that there is a growing tendency among Muslim youth to become so obsessed with the oppression of the ummah that they reduce Islam to a political ideology that gives legitimacy to their aggressive means of activism. Their inability to place these events within a wider Islamic framework is a severe handicap that ends up misguiding what are potentially great efforts. Whilst the concerns of such individuals and groups are certainly valid - and their intentions usually very noble - some have become so caught up in expressing emotional outrage that in the process they have become political zealots, willing to disregard almost anything - including basic good manners and human decency - to get their point across.
A common tactic of this group (which extends beyond any one organisation) is the use of what I can only describe as spiritual blackmail. Many an e-mail has told me that anyone who doesn’t picket outside Selfridges next Saturday morning doesn’t care about the murder of innocent Palestinian children. And in case the equation doesn’t add up, pictures of babies with bullets through their chests are attached to increase the guilt factor. The question then arises; do we really need such graphic reminders to motivate ourselves, or will the circulation of this imagery work against us by de-sensitising the world to the horrors of the situation?…
also…
…Recently, the internal politics of some Muslim lobby groups have indicated that the anti-Zionist movement is in danger of becoming something of a competitive industry devoid of spiritual dimension. The horrors of daily existence renders it almost impossible for the Palestinians to think beyond their immediate condition, but those of us claiming to work strategically have to keep our intentions pure and our religious beliefs firm. The manner in which we conduct ourselves when fighting for the rights of the Palestinian people cannot be one that disregards our essential spiritual connection to the holy land and the sanctity of our mission. Becoming bitter, angry, and abusive people will not invite the sympathies of those whose assistance is desperately needed in our endeavours; nor will it incline anyone towards Islam if we resort to such undignified modes of behaviour.
Our conduct, as Muslims, should not only be distinct, but exemplary. Our character, modelled on the Best of creation (pbuh), should be one of our greatest assets, not one of our most embarrassing drawbacks. Only then, when we acquire the character of true Muslims, will we be deserving of the divine gift that is Palestine…
By Shagufta Yaqub
The full article appeared in issue 341-342 of Q-News (March-April 2002 - Safar 1423).
I received the following email below…
From: Angry Al-Abama
Sent: 08 May 2008 13:17
To: ‘Mr Moo’
Subject: Salaam Cafe will destroy your hard driveAkhee, brother, brother, akhee. I know about you and your type of liberal -neo -traditional -post -salafi -pseudo -reformist- sufi -goofy -omniverous- secular -religious -clark shoe -wearing person whose beard is too short and hair too long. I know you like to scoff at the pofaced Muslims and praise those who scoff at the pofaced Muslims and generally promote the scoffers amongst your elitist brethren. We know about the silly things you do to scoff at the pofaced Muslims. We have marked your scoffing card.
Akhee, brother, brother, akhee. This is a pre-emptive strike. We know you will promote deviancy like Salaam Cafe, which aired this week in Australia and available to view online. We do not approve of this sort of filth, and send you warning not to approve of this sort of filth. You and your deviant website will think they are funny and witty, but that is precisely why we warn you not to promote it. Do not promote the group discussions, the comedy sketch shows and all round jollity.
Akhee, brother, brother, akhee. We also know that you will scoff at this message, but we have to send it. And on a final note, why do you scoff at the green alarm clock? I have a special alarm clock like that. The hands fell off 1996, but the alarm still works. Sure, the adhan has no correlation with prayer time, but akhee, we must keep on our toes.
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‘The Apprentice’ candidates were in Morocco, rocking the kasbah and the souk. The clock below featured prominently, as did a ‘kosher’ chicken from a halal butcher. The entire episode can be viewed on the iplayer, and is much recommended for scenes of hilarity and familiarity.
Aaah, these tacky clocks, with the screeching adhan. Click on the image if you want to buy one of your own! If only the episode had featured the red and gold tissue box, and the Qur’an CD hanging from the rear view mirror of the car, then the episode would have been complete.
Assertion: ‘The Apprentice’ has done more for race relations and religous awareness than the entire combination of Muslim lobby groups out there. Discuss. or not.
The Guardian has a lovely story on British Muslim Playwrights. The Royal Court is making a big breakthrough by actively searching for young Muslim playwrights
“..Without exception, creativity was seen as inseparable from their religion. “In everything I do,” said one, “my faith is very important. You find God in your daily actions. And playwriting is itself a product of faith.” Another argued: “What faith offers is a prism through which you see all things. You also ask yourself of any activity, is any good going to come out of this?” A third said that her faith, while already strong, had been intensified by coming to London and encountering the atheist views of Richard Dawkins. All of them agreed that there was an umbilical link between art and faith - something that, in decades of interviewing British and American dramatists, I have never heard a single person admit to…”
It really is a nice story, but I would say, whenever something like this is picked up, it is quite easy to miss the folk that have been doing this sort of stuff for ages. Khayaal’s play about a Muslim family, and Ulfah Arts recent production of “Danger Gulaam Fatima” spring to mind.
There is a big Islamophobia knees-up, sorry, symposium happening tomorrow at Leeds University, entitled “Thinking Thru’ Islamophobia”
The aim of this workshop is to explore the analytical value of Islamophobia and its limitations. To this end, we will address a number of key questions.
- How was the phenomena that Islamophobia seeks to conceptualise dealt with prior to the formation of the concept?
- What is it that the category of Islamophobia brings to the table- is it useful and if so why?
- How would a consistent and clearer understanding of Islamophobia help?
- How does Islamophobia relate to others of social exclusion?
- What is the relationship between Islamophobia and racism?
Chris Allen wrote a piece in preparation last week on his blog.
It is these unaccounted for grey areas that have contributed to a climate where those such as the BNP have found favour and gained an increasingly listened to voice. One result of this was that in 2006’s local elections, where the BNP won 11 of the 13 seats they contested in Barking & Dagenham. Making history through being the first time that a far-right political party has ever been the official opposition in any council chamber in Britain, on the evening of the first Barking and Dagenham council meeting attended by the BNP an Afghan man was repeatedly stabbed outside Barking tube station, his body left on the pavement draped in the union flag.
Since the writing of the above piece, the BNP have gained a seat in the London Assembly, and have kept their seat on the council in Solihull. The BBC have some analysis here.
The tendency for the wider public to ignore academic gatherings can be placed firmly at the publishers of the book Von-IgelFeld trilogy By Alexander McCall Smith. However, I think the symposium above will come out with some interesting findings. It cannot have come at a better time.
Sacrificing:
There is a strange obsession amongst UK Muslims with Nandos. Maybe it is because it was one of the first national chains that supplies Halal food.
Some people we were visiting were disappointed that “only the liver is halal” in the local Nandos.
It then transpired “only delivery’s halal”
Enunciating
“All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?”
The salesperson told her that their cheapest cabinet would cost £180 and could be delivered the next morning, so the girl left her address and paid by credit card.
The next day she called back, furious to have received an office cabinet rather than the expected taxi.
See the full story here
Timetabling
The same family who are partial to halal Peri-Peri liver, the husband gave someone in his work Monday off. The poor chap had to remind Mr Peri-Peri-De-Liver that Monday was a bank holiday. He was given Tuesday off instead. Moral: If you are going to give people a day off, don’t give them a day off they already have off. That’s not on.
Dear Yusuf.
You are a lovely man. Honestly, truly lovely. Whenever I see you on a screen or listen to your music, I just want to give you a nice (strictly halal) hug. I liked you as Cat Stevens, I like you as Yusuf Islam. I remember when you attended the trustee meetings of the organisation I used to work at, and was impressed with your studious attention to detail. Whenever I attend a dull meeting now, i think ‘What would Yusuf do?’ and somehow I have the energy to get through it. I am an avid fan.
Thanks to the wonder of the personal global intermesh webpipe portal known as youtube, I have been repeating the song ‘Father and Son’ to baby Moo. However, something has been troubling me deeply, and I feel for the sake of the ummah at large, and for the fans of Cat Stevens, I should bring it your attention.
In the song ‘Father and Son‘ there are the lines

Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Mrs Moo has a problem with these lines. I have a problem with these lines. Baby Moo, when he grows up, God willing, will also have a problem with these lines if he settles down with a girl without marrying her.
We are not backward people. Our IKEA furniture, Firefox browser and Arrested Development discs (the 90’s band and the recent television series) show we are quite sophisticated. However, we try to maintain ethical and moral standards. People are free to live their own lives as they see fit, but the idea of Baby Moo not having a nikah first is plain wrong.
Now, I know you wrote that in your own days of jahiliyyah, fair play. We still get pleasure from it. But, you recently sung it again with Ronan Keating. We saw it. We are not moaning fiqh-obsessives to point this out (though sunnipath, ask-imam and islam-qa all frown on non-nikah settling).
My dear brother-in-Islam, I have some suggestions.
1) Change the order of the words in the offending lines, with some judicious editing
Find a girl, you can marry
If you want, you can settle
however, we know that does not scan with the rest of the song.
2) Change one of the offending lines
Find a girl, settle down
If he wants, so can Prince Harry
3) Change the words in both lines
Find a house, settle down
If you want you can marry
Now brother Yusuf, I am no songwriter, but I think the last option has the best balance between keeping with the rhyme, metre and melody, whilst giving some much needed guidance to todays young. Allah knows the little deviants need it. In option 3, not only does it adhere to shariah rulings, but it also emphasise the importance of gettings ones foot on the property ladder. One can never start too soon.
All the best
Mr Moo
Images nicked from flickr, created using a lolcats generator. If you feel like doing your own, I will put them up here. Click on the images below to see them in detail.
I could do more, but I am babysitting today. Yes, Mrs Moo put me in charge of baby Moo!
I wonder how baby Moo will react to cola in his milk bottle…?
Interrogating
When asking your local council what money has been spent on Muslim organisations to Prevent Extremism, be very specific. Ask for which organisations were funded, how much each organisation got, what were the main outputs for the projects, and what are the means of verification on the side of the local authority. Also ask how long the specific funding is for. I learnt this the hard way, afer getting a wishywashy answer, and only after invoking the Freedom of Information act. More info here at bradfordmuslim
Duplicating
2 blogs have disappeared, Godblogger and the Muslim Thinktank (from the excellently named Dal Nun Strong). It could happen to your favourite blog. To ensure one has a local copy, use a website copier to download whole websites before it is too late. I recommend httrack for Windows or Linux, and have been told webgrabber works on OS X.
* Correction… Umm Yasmin informs us in the comments that Godblogger posts have been pulled into Dervish. Hurrah!
Decorating
Regular visitor may have noticed I changed the theme of this blog. The photo is of Loch Lomond three years ago, taken with Mrs Moo. It was edited with GIMP.
On my laptop, I have installed Ubuntu 8.04 on my IBM thinkpad x31. Did not need any configuration whatsoever. Drivers, software and settings all through gui. It is lovely. I have dual booted it.
Open Source is good all round.
IFEES have just launched issue 4 of their newsletter, Eco-Islam.
EcoIslam Issue 4
Featuring articles on:
* Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
* Waste Not Want Not
* Sacred Gifts of Saudi Arabia
* A Sanctuary For All Life
* Llewellyn of Arabia
* IFEES News & Events
There is an excellent picture of my hands on page 2. Seriously, if you want to see the Hands of Moo, download the pdf here or visit ifees.org.uk for further info.
[We are despicable people, we are disobedient people, we will never improve'].
I would imagine the locals would find these phrases more memorable than the actual positive guidance (naseehah) the Imam is giving. I know I have been repeating it to great effect to myself and urdu speaking friends all day.
I like this promotional from Mustafa Davis.
Click on the image below to see his documentary on hip-hop in the USA. It features Amir Sulaiman.
I like the American Muslim scene. It is diverse, creative and gets on with things.
Half the bloggers I read are from the US,and in a unexpected manner, a lot of British Islam is being influenced by the states (and vice versa). They are leading the way in many areas. I am now going to do a quick namestream:
Hamza Yusuf/Zaytuna Zaid Shakir/New Islam Directions, Dr Ingrid MAtteson/ISNA, Yasir Qadi/al-Maghrib, Dr Abdullah/Nawawi foundation, CAIR
Creative arts, Kareem Salama, Lena Khan. I don’t think much of depictions of Muslims on TV and film in the USA, though “Aliens in America” showed some promise when I caught the first few episodes. Others would decry phenomena such as the muslim boyband 786 as the ‘wrong direction’ for us to be heading, but listen to their qawwali, it is splendid.
The most popular Muslim item on iTunes? Baba Ali. I also have to give a hat-tip to the halalfire media network, they haven’t produced a dud yet - altmuslim is my favourite.
I am going to stop gushing now, but do check out the video, it is interesting. I especially liked the ’sitting in your seat’ dancing. This needs further development. It could be the start of a whole new (halal) subculture. Or not.
(hat tip to www.deenport.com)
I remember reading a while ago about a woman, who in Birmingham wanted to pray at a mosque. The imam refused entry to her, saying ‘women are not allowed in the mosque’. At the same mosque, sometime later, some non-Muslim university students (men and women) were seen in the mosque.
As the writer said
So, the only conclusion you can draw from this is ‘if you’re a woman and want to enter this mosque, do so as a non-Muslim . If you should convert once in the mosque you’ll promptly be kicked out.
Here is another local Birmingham story. I heard this first hand from my friend who helped project manage the construction of the mosque. This mosque applied for planning permission on the basis that there was X number of spaces for women, with separate entrance and facilities. The architectural plans were nice. However, once the building was erected, no women from the community were allowed to use the mosque. My friend did come to me recently and say that they had held a talk at the mosque where women were allowed. However at congregation time they were sent home.
Now I don’t want to come across as a ranter. We have enough of those online and offline. So here are a few suggestions regarding the running of mosques in the UK.
Like I said, I don’t want to become a ranter. We know that the evolution of the mosque from a prayer room in someones house to the superstructures we see today in the UK came about organically. Many of the people who work inside are much more pious than I am, and dedicate their lives to the deen. They have more taqwa and sincerity, and I do not have hate for any group or community.
This is also not a new issue. Next week, someone else will be talking about this. The most active activist group, MPAC, ran a long campaign on this over the last few years. The MCB, MAB, BMF and other acronyms got together to create MINAB. The MCB also had a Mosque 100 project. I wish all these projects the best, but I fear none of them will have the courage to effect meaningful change until the Imams and committees themselves change.
I am off to Jumah now, and navigate through the english khutba on esoteric theories on the origins of terrorism. On my way in and out I will glance the silly parking. I will dutifully fight my way through the scrum at the end and search for my shoes, hidden in my secret place. I will glance and the sign for the mobile company which will give “‘This weeks donations to Mask”. The mosque has facilities for women, but the only lady I will see will be the one standing away from the mosque grounds, who is still asking for money, same time and place, for the last two years.
Despite all this, I love praying at the mosque. I am sure we can do better than this.
Every so often, one writes a draft post on the back of an envelope, and then in the same minute, someone has already said most of what was going to be said. Hurrah!
This post on commentisfree by Asim Siddiqui is very interesting, not for announcing the launch of two new Muslim groups, but because of the use term ‘Islamistophobes’. I like it (and I hope Yahya, Chris and others are paying attention and will use it in their posts and academic papers).
My own position on race, religion and identity is simply stated by Tariq Ramadan:
“Lets say you are vegetarian and a poet, and you are at a dinner. You are going to say you are vegetarian. But at a party, you will say you are a poet…
We all have multiple identities which are also moving identities…”
I have been repeating the term “Islamistophobia” and it feels strange on my tongue but I like it. Another cudgel any side can use in our virtual identity wars.
With the announcement today of the geeky language Nerdic, I am reminded once again never to trust technology. By defintion, it is a tool that is only as smart as its user. However, technology has its uses.
For example, BT have a great facility where you can text to a landline and a strange robotic voice will speak the message for you. Even if you text in that disgusting txt speak e.g. “b @ ur plc in a bit, c@ vomtd, lolz c u l8r”
Now after Mrs Moo became Mrs Moo, for practical/aesthetic reasons, we swopped phones. I wiped my phone, but for some reason we left the phone numbers of Mrs Moo in the phone she gave me, so if she needed to use my phone to call her contacts, she could. All fine and good I though.
But then, as fate would have it, the number for Gai Eaton (Charles le Gai Eaton to give him his full name, a truly inspirational man) was the first one under ‘G’, and when I texted my wife, for some reason the phone would occasionally default straight through to Gai Eaton, his home number no less. I was none the wiser, and my wife assumed I was just being male and uncommunicative.
Whenever I hear of his name, or come across a technology story, I still think of the BT texphone automaton reading out, to Gai Eaton:
“Salaams, running late, will try to pick up milk from Co-op as Tescos only has Goats Milk. Moo.”
